Sunday, February 10, 2013
Day of truth: Tomorrow
I haven't run in 12 days and interestingly enough it doesn't upset me at all. I've been so busy with work, Crossfit, and worrying about my back that I haven't given running much thought. In fact, the longer I go without running the less I miss it...which proves to me that i'm on a slippery slope!
On the one hand I think that my lack of emotion about running is a defense mechanism; I'm telling myself I don't care about running so that it will be easier if the doctor tells me that I'm not allowed to run anymore. I can't be devastated if I "don't care" right?
On the other hand, it might be my own personality coming up to bite me on the ass. Since I was very young i've had a horrible habit of becoming incredibly obsessed with something for a short amount of time, devoting my entire life to an activity (ballet, horseback riding, bellydance, ballroom dancing, school, etc) only to completely lose interest after a while. I keep hoping I have grown out of this quirk, but I fear that i'm still my crazy, obsession-driven self. I REALLY hope this is not the case.
Tomorrow will be my day of truth. I had an MRI on Friday and hopefully I will have answers tomorrow. My worst fear is that I will go in to see the doctor and he will tell me that the MRI found nothing...that would be hundreds of dollars down the drain. My second worst nightmare would be cancer on my spine followed by a slipped disk, degenerative disk disease, or osteoporosis. I've already been told that I have scoliosis, so I hope to hear that my scoliosis has done something to affect my muscles in my back and that with a little physical therapy, pain meds, and stretches, I should be fine to start training for the Chicago Marathon in June.
But in my gut I know that I will walk into that office tomorrow and my doctor will look at me and say "The MRI showed no abnormalities. I suggest you keep doing what you've been doing, but take it easy." Why is that a nightmare? Because it will leave ME with the decision of how much I want to risk by training for another marathon. It will leave ME with the culpability of knowing it's my fault if something awful happens down the road when I decide to push through, run the marathon, and destroy my chances of a long and pain free life. But, I shouldn't get ahead of myself.
I'm going to be a good patient and wait to count my chickens after they hatch....tomorrow. Stay tuned and run a mile for me!